Hoopsies

Posted by Todd on Jan 11, 2012 in NBA

When you can’t play D, you can’t cover the number: Just ask Amare

by Rob Perez ( @world_wide_wob )

Today, we are going to honor the line movers of the NBA Season thus far.

Let’s call this awards ceremony: “The Hoopsies”

My name is World Wide Wob, and I will be your host today. Out on the red carpet, the stars are beginning to make their way into the theatre. Let’s go to our ‘square’ correspondent, Petey Public, who’s currently with one of the nominees – take it away, Pete!

“Thanks, Wob. I’m here with Kyle Lowry of the Houston Rockets. Kyle, thank you for taking the time to speak with us today, do you know you lead the league in three point attempts from 30 feet or more?” –Petey P.

“I do, Pete. So far, I’ve loved being the new starting Point Guard for the Rockets. It’s my responsibility to dribble the ball across half court; and when I do, sometimes I get the itch to throw a shot up there.” – Kyle L.

“Now, Kyle, you have made your fair share for sure, but have you ever considered waiting for your teammates to get into rebounding position before you launch a 33 foot three point attempt?” – Petey P.

“To be honest, it never crossed my mind.” – Kyle L.

“Well, there you have it, Wob. Kyle Lowry of the Houston Rockets, nominated for the ‘All NBA Heat Check’ team, sounds pretty comfortable scoring 15.3 PPG despite half of his shot attempts occurring when his team has zero chance of scoring or getting back on defense otherwise…. Back to you!”

Thanks Petey.

Before we commence with the ceremony, I’d like to reiterate the prerequisites for being nominated:

• The team of the nominated player must be .500 or worse ATS
• You have made SportsCenter’s “Not Top 10” at least once in your career
• Your season +/- is remotely close to zero.

Ok, now that everyone has taken their seats … on with the show!

First up, we are going to announce the “All Heat Check” team.

What makes one worthy of this honor? Well, let’s put it this way: When he scores in a game, it makes the supporting fans cringe because they know it means he’s going to keep shooting, and eventually shoot the team out of a W.

Let’s go to the podium, where former “All Heat Check” winner, John Starks, has the results … John!

“The winner, of ‘All Heat Check’ goes to ….

PG: Kyle Lowry (Rockets 4-5 ATS)

SG: Corey Maggette  (Bobcats 5-6 ATS)

SF: Stephen Jackson (Bucks 3-6 ATS)

PF: honorable mention: Al Harrington ( ghost of Al haunts the 2-8 ATS Knicks)

C: Mehmet Okur (Nets 5-6 ATS)

A star-studded field for sure, John, thanks! Before we dive deeper into analyzing these players, can we just state the obvious: how AWESOME it would be to watch this team play a NBA game? You would have five players trying to run an ISO at once, and then you have your CENTER, Mehmet Okur, standing 30 feet from the basket running pick and rolls with Kyle Lowry.

Nothing says “horrid rebounding” more than a seven foot center who likes to chuck threes.

Nothing says “that’s off!” quite like a Stephen “Captain” Jackson one-legged step back.

Nothing says “I’m about to attempt the most difficult shot in NBA history” quite like an Al Harrington post-up.

This team would be in a brawl every night, and it would be an intra-squad affair.

Anyways … let’s get back to gambling. Each of these players above is a notorious ‘ball-stopper.’ What this means is: when they are passed the ball, the offense stops moving. They put their heads down, and isolate themselves from the rest of the team. This type of play is warranted in the NBA, but is usually reserved for global superstars such as: LeBron James, Carmelo Anthony, Kevin Durant, and Kobe Bryant.

When the nominated individuals decide to do their best Michael Jordan impressions, it fails more times than not.

When “ball-stoppers” do not score, it usually leads to a rebound for the opposing side and a leak out at the other end. There are no facts to support this; it’s just the way basketball works.

ISOs = no rebounding.

To recap, lesson #1: Do not bet on any team with one of the players listed above unless there are extenuating circumstances.

For our next award, let’s go to our most recent winner: Travis Outlaw, Travis!

“Thanks, Wob. I am here to present the award for Least Valuable Player (LVP). This is a special honor reserved for an individual who is not only bad at basketball, but single-handily sucks the life out of his team because of how much playing time he gets. Without further ado, the winner is ……..

Joe Johnson!”    – Travis O.

No surprise here, folks.

This is not Joe’s first time hoisting a trophy at the “Hoopsies”, as he was the recipient of the “Worst Contract in NBA History” ‘Hoopsie’ last year.

Listen, I know Joe Johnson is a former All-Star, and he’s not nearly as ‘bad’ as some other players in the NBA, but if you have ever watched an Atlanta Hawks game … did you walk away from it confused? Did you say to yourself: “I don’t get it, how did Atlanta lose that game?”

The answer is the same every time: The Hawks live and die by Joe Johnson.

He has all the potential in the world, but just never seems to get over the hump and excel as a NBA superstar. Hell, he’s not even close.

On the contrary, the Hawks are still a very, very good team. They are one of my favorite teams to bet on because they get zero publicity, no-one really knows about them, their core players have played 223 games together, they have a TON of talent in their primes (Al Horford, Josh Smith, Jeff Teague, Marvin Williams), and they play amazing defense every night of the week.

However, you will never, ever find me backing the Hawks during a big game.

They cannot close.

The NBA is great because it requires you to play a full 48 minutes of basketball. The formula for success is similar to MLB: You send your starters out there for the first six innings (fist 2 ½ quarters), try to build a lead, bring pitchers out of the pen (bench players) to hold it, and then bring in the closer (your superstar) to get out of the 9^th inning (score/finish the 4^th quarter). You don’t run your flex offense sets in the 4^th quarter in the NBA, you give the ball to your best player and tell him to go get buckets.

That’s the way it works.

Joe Johnson is NOT a finisher. He is an INCREDIBLE complimentary player to a SUPERSTAR.

He is playing outside of his abilities, and as much as I love the Hawks this year, Do not bet on the Atlanta Hawks or Joe Johnson to win a big, nationally televised game or one that will require Joe Johnson to score baskets for the final five minutes.

For our last award, I am honored to introduce Ricky Rubio, Pau Gasol, and Marc Gasol, who will now present the NBA’s “All Matador Team.”

These individuals are responsible for quite possible the worst individual defense in the NBA. When you put the ball on the floor, these lucky few are gracious enough to let you right by without any resistance. Put the French Army on a basketball court, you have the NBA equivalent of:

PG: Steve Nash (Suns 5-4 ATS)

SG: Joe Johnson (ATL 6-5 ATS)

SF:  Stephen Jackson (MIL 3-6 ATS)

PF: Andray Blatche (WAS 3-6 ATS)

C: Amare Stoudemire (NYK 2-8 ATS)