Bettors Bonanza
Every now and again we read something that inspires us to action. Some of us donate to a cause, others call a friend, whereas I choose to relate everything to gambling. A buddy sent me this article from Grantland.com that appeared on their site in late May and I knew it was going to lead somewhere, I just didn’t know how I could put it to use at the time. Last week inspiration struck along with a few adult beverages and depending how you feel about my writing you’re either fortunate for the final creation or cursing my name for wasting your time. Regardless, we all know sports bettors and 100% of them fall into one of these categories. If you fall into 8 of them yourself, you definitely might have a problem.
Action Junkie/Weekend Warrior
Action junkies are glued to the TV, watching every game in its entirety when money’s in play. They’re not worried about getting the best of the number or finding games that give them the best chance to win; nope all they’re worried about is the time slot. Visualize your neighborhood bar on the weekend and the group yelling at the TV during a Browns/Jaguars game, that’s a weekend warrior.
Apologist
This sports bettor is one who has grown so accustomed to apologizing for being a bettor it’s become part of his identity. We’ve all been with this guy before; he spends more time hiding his betting from his girlfriend, wife, and boss that he’s simply exhausted when it comes time to handicap. Yes, gambling in most locales is technically illegal but he’s really bought into the taboo that surrounds his favorite past time.
Serious Investor
This is the guy on the list you don’t want to watch games with under any circumstance. He’s going to come at you from every angle no matter the sport, rattling off a laundry list of stats, metrics, and situations supporting his bet…that just lost by 30. Self awareness is key if you fall into this class so removing yourself from public view while games are in progress is probably for the best.
Conspiracy Theorist
He believes every bet he’s lost is because the game was rigged. Whether it’s the officials, field conditions, or an element of organized crime, the game wasn’t played within the rules so his losing bet shouldn’t count. Thus is the faction of bettor crying fix when a 19 year old FG kicker shanks a chip shot to lose by 1 in the final seconds; forget that the kid is devastated about missing, he was clearly on the take to personally spoil your -300 moneyline bet. When all else fails if the players aren’t on the take, BLAME THE REFS!
Mr System
System Guy! Move over Billy Walters and the computer group, system guy has a mathematical approach to beating every sport. His tried and true methods which consist of a 10 game sample size attributed to statistical anomaly and nothing else give him the ability to predict outcomes of sporting events as if he has tomorrow’s paper today. Umm yea, if his system is red hot out of the gates make sure you keep the guy on speed dial because statistical variance is bound to rear its ugly head meaning you should be there to reap the benefits when things go south.
One Sport Phenom
We all know one bettor like this; the type who excels in one sport and produces winners at a 70% clip but can never eclipse 40% in any other sport. Now, from experience it’s never the NBA, NFL, or MLB where he achieves an astronomical win percentage but rather the WNBA, Arena football, or 2nd division Italian soccer. Is it a skill to win at niche sports? You bet your ass it is however the real problem comes in when the market catches up and prices adjust. I make fun of these guys but I say it more tongue and cheek. When you meet a handicapper that beats any sport with tremendous regularity you take full advantage of his info, betting it for yourself and refusing to share with even those closest to you.
Golden Horseshoe
We don’t like him, unless his magic rubs off on us for a day. No matter what he bets or how little he knows, his teams cover in the most improbable of circumstances. Down 13 with 3 minutes left in the NBA? No problem, a 15-0 run to close the game lets him cash a ticket. His NASCAR driver is sitting in 3rd with 1 lap to go? The top drivers crash into one another because someone throws a blanket on the track that gets sucked into the grill. You know the kind of bettor I’m talking about because we all loath him and wonder why he always get things to fall his way every single game.
Parlay Player
There’s clearly no reason to bet just one game on a straight play when you can play an 8 team ML parlay that pays 299-1. Parlay players are the sports betting equivalent of lottery junkies, always looking to put up a small amount hoping for the big score. Just like the guy who won a scratch off jackpot back in 1989, parlay guy hit a 15 teamer once in his career remembers his gambling hall of fame moment like it was yesterday and reminds you of it constantly.
Twitter Allstar
This guy’s the best, he’s the first one to remind you on social media every time he wins a bet but conveniently forgets to mention that he’d lost 9 of his last 10 coming into it. He loves to talk about huge pay days especially when a mysterious longshot future appears in his season long record that nobody knew about until it cashed. I’m not critical of twitter guy, they normally add valuable information to social media channels that most handicappers don’t have access to in their daily lives. However, social currency doesn’t pay bills…greenbacks do.
The Quitter
Every time he has a losing week he threatens to quit or “take a break.” After only 2 days out of the game he’s back texting you for plays asking who the wiseguys like in the Barcelona vs Malaga game. Everyone else knows he’s a degenerate and in it for the action except him since “he’s always in control of his behavior” and can quit at anytime just to prove a point (yea right).
Anger Management
You’d think he was playing in the game himself he gets so damn intense when money’s in play. Keep a safe distance if things go south, objects are likely to get thrown meaning anything that can double as a projectile may very well get launched at you or the 80 inch TV that’s worth 100x more than the wager in question.
Bettor that never loses
He’s never had a losing weekend in his entire betting career and he’s bet pro football religiously since college. My question is simple; why do you still have a job that requires you to keep coming into the office instead of turning pro? You really should just quit to focus all your energy on betting 3 team, 7 pt teasers for 5 dimes a piece
Bad Beat Whiner
Yes, we get that you haven’t recovered from your moneyline bet on the Houston Oilers back when Frank Reich ripped your guts out. Seriously though, GET OVER IT! You’re no better than the guy who still whines about having his heart broken in 8th grade and can’t focus on the now where he has a beautiful wife and great job. We all have bad beats that stay with us forever, they’re the battle scar equivalent of sports betting but don’t bring them up unless provoked.
Additions based on Social Feedback
Lifestyle Changer
When you’re used to drinking those fancy micro brews, it’s tough to switch gears and start guzzling Natural Light. However, this is exactly what lifestyle changer claims to do when he goes through a major betting slump. When bets aren’t going his way, he has no choice but to put down the Stella and start drinking the domestics. Steak dinners and $100 bottles of wine? GONE. He’s now eating take out Steak and Shake with $2 buck chuck. Time to go out to the bar? Nope, Lifestyle changer will make up for his gambling loss by guzzling a 12 pack of Keystone Ice — not your local liquor store Keystone Ice, the half case you left in the fridge only to be consumed in case of financial emergencies.
Premature Panic
I lost, my bet is cooked! Dude, the baseball game is in the 1st inning and your NBA game isn’t even to halftime yet. Sit down with a cocktail and relax before you start jumping ship. Unless you’re betting to “score first props” or derivative markets, wagers aren’t graded until games (or halves) are complete. Don’t call yourself stupid for a bet that doesn’t look good from the start, not every game covers wire to wire. Well, hold on one exception to this rule: if you bet under 8 and the game flies over in the top of the 2nd, then it’s ok to hit the eject seat.
Hindsight is 20/20
How the hell did I miss that bet? Everyone knew that was an easy winner (aka me the other day kicking myself for not betting Nigeria/Tahiti O3.5). If you get caught looking in the sports betting rearview mirror, you’ll inevitably miss future wagering opportunities that are right in front of you. Don’t beat yourself up for passing on winners, it’s part of the game. Learn from your mistakes and make sure they don’t keep happening. Last I checked, omitting 3 more winners from your next card is far worse than passing on a game that was played yesterday.
Have your own type of bettor that we failed to include? Email us here
